1. Play cards with your swimming pool
2. Plant a shoe
3. Shoot a fire hydrant
4. Buff your cat
5. Watch the minute hand move
6. Dress like Motley Crue…surprise your grandmother
7. Read tea leaves
8. Seduce your stick shift
9. Hold your breath
10. Place it on the wall of your office
11. Fly a brick
12. Paint your house…Day-Glow Orange
13. Roll your tongue
14. Wear a three-piece suit…in a sauna
15. Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
16. Stretch
17. Jump up and down…on your alarm clock
18. Be red
19. Mow your carpet
20. Let the best man win
21. Join the Foreign Legion
22. Smile
23. Get mad at yourself
24. Join the Army…be someone simple
25. Make a schematic drawing…of a rock
26. Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
27. Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
28. Hide the scrabble bag
29. Discover the source of the Mississippi
30. Start
31. Play hopscotch…with real scotch
32. Be someone special
33. Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
34. Calmly have a nervous breakdown
35. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
36. Kill a plant
37. Collect electrons
38. Increase your territorial holdings by force
39. Make up words that start with X
40. Sniff
41. Name your child Edsel
42. Play solitaire…for cash
43. See what she does when she notices
44. Bite your pinkie
45. See how small you can scrunch your face
46. Cheer up a potato
47. Open everything
48. Rotate your garden…daily
49. Gargle
50. Change your name…daily
51. Harness chipmunk power
52. String up a room
53. Vacation at Three-Mile Island
54. Drop pebbles down the chimney
55. Have your pillow X-rayed
56. Dance ‘til you drop
57. Turn on everything
58. Destroy a tree
59. Search for buried treasure…in Nebraska
60. Sleep on a bed of nails
61. Tenderize your tongue…chew on it for a while
62. Try harder
63. Bronze your sister’s turtle
64. Interrogate a gerbil
65. Contemplate a cockroach
66. See if diamonds really do cut glass…on everything in your neighbor’s house
67. Mispell words
68. Go bowling for small game
69. DON’T toss and turn
70. Fade
71. Squawk
72. Learn Greek
73. Put instant concrete in your big brother’s waterbed
74. Make up famous sayings
75. Gesture
76. Scratch
77. Scalp a street light
78. Flap
79. Apologize to it
80. Burn her
81. Factor your social security number
82. Free the oppressed toasters of America
83. Bend a florescent light
84. Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
85. Sell formaldehyde
86. Grow your fingernails
87. Put it back
88. Ring
89. Record your walls
90. Put out a fire
91. Put leg-warmers on your furniture
92. Have your gerbil gilded
93. Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
94. Teach your TA English
95. Annoy yourself
96. Build a house out of toothpicks
97. Develop a complex
98. Bend a brick
99. Bounce a potato
100. Mail it
101. Ad lib
102. Watch the sun…see if it moves
103. Stomp grapes in the bathtub
104. Wear a T-shirt that says “I’ll walk on you to see The Who” and a peace sign
105. Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
106. Turn
107. Jump back
108. job they’re doing…On April 1st
109. Learn Sanskrit
110. Play with matches
111. Hold an ice cube as long as possible
112. Memorize the weather section
113. Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
114. Polish your neck…use Pledge
115. Make yourself a pair of wings
116. Rake your carpet
117. Give your cat a mohawk
118. Analyze the Koran
119. Slouch
120. Make a list of your favorite fungi
121. Polish your Calvin’s
122. Go to McDonald’s and pretend you can’t speak English
123. Duck
124. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
125. See how long you can stay awake
126. Stand on your head
127. Have your cat bronzed
128. Learn to type…with your toes
129. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
130. Be a square root
131. Wriggle
132. Read Homer in the original Greek
133. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
134. Spew
135. Whine
136. Have a formal dinner at White Castle
137. Pretend you’re a roadie
138. Sterilize your stereo…with Jack Daniels
139. Skip
140. Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
141. Scare Stephen King
142. Critique “Three’s Company”
143. Purr
144. Ride a loaf of bread
145. Play the piano…with mittens on
146. Kick a cabbage
147. Flirt with an evergreen
148. Change your mind
149. Get Ronco and K-tel to merge…they sell the same stuff anyway
150. Regress
151. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
152. Act profound
153. Abuse your patio furniture
154. Drink straight shots…of water
155. Re-elect Richard Nixon
156. See how long it takes for her to notice
157. If you can’t find a fire, make one
158. Crumple
159. Outmaneuver your shadow
160. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
161. Faint
162. Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
163. Count your teeth with your tongue
164. Turn your TV picture tube upside down
165. Serve ping-pong balls…as hors d’oeuvres
166. Give your goldfish a perm
167. Run away
168. Paint your teeth
169. Redecorate…your garage
170. Write a book about your previous life
171. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
172. Relive fond memories
173. Make a pass at your blender
174. Stop
175. Speak with a forked tongue
176. Appreciate everything
177. Change it back
178. Write a letter to Plato
179. Wink
180. Print counterfeit Confederate money
181. Request covert assistance from the CIA
182. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
183. Howl
184. Do a good job
185. Make a deal with the devil…but keep your fingers crossed
186. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
187. Pour milk in the sink
188. Water your dog…see if he grows
189. Take a picture
190. Carpet your ceiling
191. Paint a smile
192. Paint
193. Read a tomato
194. Raise professional certified racing turnips
195. Save your toenail clippings
196. Be immobile
197. Stack furniture
198. Write books about writing books
199. Water your family room
200. Hide
201. Clean and polish your belly button
202. Roll over
203. Find your half-life
204. Sharpen a carrot
205. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances…mix and match them
206. Walk on water…but don’t get caught
207. Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
208. Drink as much prune juice as you can
209. Send your goldfish to obedience school
210. Plug in the cat
211. Boldly go where no man has gone before
212. Carry a tune…drop it, see if it breaks
213. Let him catch it
214. Grind your teeth
215. Try to ignite water…the Mississippi might work
216. Sing the ABC song backwards
217. Sleep in freefall
218. Weld your car doors shut
219. Wear a salad
220. Go bow hunting for Toyotas
221. Make paper from the skins
222. Create random equations
223. See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
224. Develop hearing problems
225. Form a political party
226. Give your cat a suntan…in the microwave
227. Drive the speed limit…in your garage
228. But don’t be orange
229. Embarrass yourself
230. Pinstripe your driveway
231. Pretend you’re a dog
232. Challenge your neighbor to a duel
233. Balance a pillow on your head
234. Check under chairs for chewing gum
235. Believe in Santa Claus
236. See how long you can sleep
237. Cross your toes
238. Make oatmeal in the bathtub
239. Watch a bowling ball
240. Call London for a cab
241. Stop speaking to yourself
242. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
243. Climb the walls
244. Wallpaper your laundry room…with pages from books you don’t like
245. Invite the Mansons over for dinner
246. Think shallow thoughts
247. Make a list of all the sex scenes in Finding Nemo.
248. Crystallize
249. Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
250. Play air guitar
251. Be a monk…for a day
252. Park your car…with a friend
253. Spell
254. Decay
255. Spit shine your Nikes
256. Wear a sweatband to your wedding
257. Draw Venn diagrams…screw them up
258. Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. “Drink milk”)
259. Paint stripes on a lake
260. Think of quadruple entendres
261. Adopt strange mannerisms
262. Play tiddlywinks…go for blood
263. Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
264. Watch a car rust
265. Have a headache
266. Fold your earlobes
267. Design a better toilet seat
268. Grease the doorknobs
269. Eat everything
270. Test thin ice…with a pogo stick
271. State fallacies as fact (like, “peanuts grow on bushes”)
272. Punt
273. Throw marshmallows against the wall
274. Cut the deck
275. Put your feet behind your head
276. Memorize a series of random numbers
277. Bloat
278. Sit in a row
279. Knight yourself
280. Set up your Christmas tree in April
281. Memorize the periodic table
282. Peel grapes
283. Clock the velocity of your REMs
284. Have a political party
285. Tell your feet a joke
286. Be planar…but don’t tell your parents
287. Quiver
288. Play basketball…in a minefield
289. Sandpaper a mushroom
290. Re-establish the Roman Empire…in Pittsburgh
291. Shave a shrub
292. Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
293. Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
294. Tie bows in everything
295. Sharpen your sleeping skills
296. Flash your goldfish
297. Try to join Hell’s Angels by mail
298. Sleepwalk without sleeping
299. Ask why
300. Sit
301. Turn off your neighbor
302. Annoy total strangers
303. Send chills down your spine
304. Send President Reagan an alarm clock…wind it up first
305. Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people
306. Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
307. Be a side effect
308. Sing a duet
309. Take the fifth
310. Hold your hand
311. Repeat
312. Dial 911 and breathe heavily
313. Have your car painted…plaid
314. Sing loud and sour and gravely
315. Translate Shakespeare into English
316. Stand on someone else’s head
317. Be Buddha
318. Watch a watch until it stops
319. Challenge yourself to a duel
320. Ride a bicycle…up Mt. McKinley
321. See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
322. Pretend you’re a telephone
323. Search for the Lost Chord
324. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
325. Stare
326. Truncate
327. Blow bubbles
328. Donate your brother’s body to science
329. Make napalm
330. Sweat
331. Park your car…with a group of friends
332. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
333. Correct typos that aren’t there
334. Sing soft and sweet and clear
335. Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
336. Exercise a ghost
337. Go to a funeral…tell jokes
338. Count to a million…fast
339. Swear in Russian
340. Put your shoes on the opposite feet
341. Carve you and your girlfriend’s initials…in a marshmallow
342. Revert
343. Catch them with your radiator
344. Investigate the Czar
345. Abuse the plumbing
346. Exorcise a ghost
347. Play Pat Boone records backwards
348. Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
349. Listen to a painting
350. Rotate your carpet
351. Baby oil the floor
352. Balance a pencil on your nose
353. Spill
354. Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population…solve for x)
355. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad’s new car
356. Attack innocent bunnies
357. Moo
358. Lead an aerobics class…for patients of the I.C.U.
359. Stack crumbs
360. Begin
361. Kill a Joule
362. Hold your earlobes
363. Run for Pope
364. Use an eraser until it goes away
365. Write graffiti under the rug
366. Squish a loaf of bread
367. Climb a sidewalk
368. Debate politics with a fern
369. Radiate
370. Run around in squares
371. Disassemble your car
372. Memorize the dictionary
373. Do research into the cause of World War III
374. Shred a newspaper
375. Build a house with ice cubes
376. Pour milk in your shoes
377. Braid your dog’s hair
378. Interview a cloud
379. Intimidate a piece of chalk
380. Sing the national anthem…during your calculus final
381. Get run over by a train of thought
382. Take your sofa for a walk
383. Pay off the national debt…with a bad check
384. Put it together inside out
385. Go back to square one
386. Hit the deck
387. Don’t talk to things
388. Tattoo your dresser
389. Mummify
390. Rearrange political campaign signs
391. Scheme
392. Ask stupid questions
393. Crawl
394. Play dead
395. Visit the Architecture building…loudly criticize its design
396. Mug a stop sign
397. Be blue
398. Get a dog to chase your car
399. Hatch an egg
400. Contribute to the population problem
401. Throw a tomato into a fan
402. Sell firewood door to door…in Atlantis
403. Wear a lampshade on your head
404. Go for a walk in your attic
405. Flash your mailman
406. Pretend you’re blind
407. Race ferrets
408. Staple
409. Give yourself a hernia…for Christmas
410. Wonder
411. Watch a game show…take notes
412. Play to lose
413. Count your belly button
414. Be in the wrong place at the right time
415. Recite romantic poetry…to your toaster
416. Count the bags under Walter Mondale’s eyes
417. Starch your shoes
418. Play tag…on West 35th Street
419. Apply for a unicorn hunting license
420. See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light…try green
421. Have a proton fight
422. Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
423. Boil ice cream
424. Do aerobic exercises…in your head
425. Play with anything that looks interesting
426. Rewrite the Bible substituting your name for God
427. Tie your shoelaces together
428. Cause a power failure
429. Build a pyramid
430. Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn’t one before
431. Wash a tree
432. Confess to a crime…that didn’t happen
433. Make cottage cheese
434. Mail it to a friend
435. Vacuum your lawn
436. Get diagonal…with a good friend
437. Paint your windows
438. Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
439. Think lewd thoughts about yourself
440. Tie-dye your sheets
441. Declare war
442. Find a bug and chase it
443. Chew on a sofa cushion
444. Learn to speak Farsi
445. Find a witch
446. Speak in acronyms
447. Hot wax the bottom of your brother’s dress shoes
448. Play hockey with your little cousin…as the puck
449. Skydive to church
450. Exist…existentially, of course
451. Sharpen your teeth
452. Teach your pet rock to play dead
453. File your teeth
454. Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they’re wrong
455. Buy some diapers
456. Interview your feet
457. Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
458. Be a threat to the American way of life
459. Stay
460. Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
461. Buy a 1931 Almanac
462. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
463. Chew ice
464. Commit seppuku…with a paper knife
465. Ski Kansas
466. Preach the philosophy of Marx…Groucho, that is
467. Blow up a balloon until it pops
468. Surf Ohio
469. Buy a Ginsu knife
470. Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
471. Get your dog braces
472. Wax the ceiling
473. Play Houdini with one of your siblings
2. Plant a shoe
3. Shoot a fire hydrant
4. Buff your cat
5. Watch the minute hand move
6. Dress like Motley Crue…surprise your grandmother
7. Read tea leaves
8. Seduce your stick shift
9. Hold your breath
10. Place it on the wall of your office
11. Fly a brick
12. Paint your house…Day-Glow Orange
13. Roll your tongue
14. Wear a three-piece suit…in a sauna
15. Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
16. Stretch
17. Jump up and down…on your alarm clock
18. Be red
19. Mow your carpet
20. Let the best man win
21. Join the Foreign Legion
22. Smile
23. Get mad at yourself
24. Join the Army…be someone simple
25. Make a schematic drawing…of a rock
26. Dial-a-prayer and argue with it
27. Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
28. Hide the scrabble bag
29. Discover the source of the Mississippi
30. Start
31. Play hopscotch…with real scotch
32. Be someone special
33. Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
34. Calmly have a nervous breakdown
35. Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
36. Kill a plant
37. Collect electrons
38. Increase your territorial holdings by force
39. Make up words that start with X
40. Sniff
41. Name your child Edsel
42. Play solitaire…for cash
43. See what she does when she notices
44. Bite your pinkie
45. See how small you can scrunch your face
46. Cheer up a potato
47. Open everything
48. Rotate your garden…daily
49. Gargle
50. Change your name…daily
51. Harness chipmunk power
52. String up a room
53. Vacation at Three-Mile Island
54. Drop pebbles down the chimney
55. Have your pillow X-rayed
56. Dance ‘til you drop
57. Turn on everything
58. Destroy a tree
59. Search for buried treasure…in Nebraska
60. Sleep on a bed of nails
61. Tenderize your tongue…chew on it for a while
62. Try harder
63. Bronze your sister’s turtle
64. Interrogate a gerbil
65. Contemplate a cockroach
66. See if diamonds really do cut glass…on everything in your neighbor’s house
67. Mispell words
68. Go bowling for small game
69. DON’T toss and turn
70. Fade
71. Squawk
72. Learn Greek
73. Put instant concrete in your big brother’s waterbed
74. Make up famous sayings
75. Gesture
76. Scratch
77. Scalp a street light
78. Flap
79. Apologize to it
80. Burn her
81. Factor your social security number
82. Free the oppressed toasters of America
83. Bend a florescent light
84. Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
85. Sell formaldehyde
86. Grow your fingernails
87. Put it back
88. Ring
89. Record your walls
90. Put out a fire
91. Put leg-warmers on your furniture
92. Have your gerbil gilded
93. Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
94. Teach your TA English
95. Annoy yourself
96. Build a house out of toothpicks
97. Develop a complex
98. Bend a brick
99. Bounce a potato
100. Mail it
101. Ad lib
102. Watch the sun…see if it moves
103. Stomp grapes in the bathtub
104. Wear a T-shirt that says “I’ll walk on you to see The Who” and a peace sign
105. Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
106. Turn
107. Jump back
108. job they’re doing…On April 1st
109. Learn Sanskrit
110. Play with matches
111. Hold an ice cube as long as possible
112. Memorize the weather section
113. Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
114. Polish your neck…use Pledge
115. Make yourself a pair of wings
116. Rake your carpet
117. Give your cat a mohawk
118. Analyze the Koran
119. Slouch
120. Make a list of your favorite fungi
121. Polish your Calvin’s
122. Go to McDonald’s and pretend you can’t speak English
123. Duck
124. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
125. See how long you can stay awake
126. Stand on your head
127. Have your cat bronzed
128. Learn to type…with your toes
129. Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
130. Be a square root
131. Wriggle
132. Read Homer in the original Greek
133. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
134. Spew
135. Whine
136. Have a formal dinner at White Castle
137. Pretend you’re a roadie
138. Sterilize your stereo…with Jack Daniels
139. Skip
140. Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
141. Scare Stephen King
142. Critique “Three’s Company”
143. Purr
144. Ride a loaf of bread
145. Play the piano…with mittens on
146. Kick a cabbage
147. Flirt with an evergreen
148. Change your mind
149. Get Ronco and K-tel to merge…they sell the same stuff anyway
150. Regress
151. Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
152. Act profound
153. Abuse your patio furniture
154. Drink straight shots…of water
155. Re-elect Richard Nixon
156. See how long it takes for her to notice
157. If you can’t find a fire, make one
158. Crumple
159. Outmaneuver your shadow
160. Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
161. Faint
162. Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
163. Count your teeth with your tongue
164. Turn your TV picture tube upside down
165. Serve ping-pong balls…as hors d’oeuvres
166. Give your goldfish a perm
167. Run away
168. Paint your teeth
169. Redecorate…your garage
170. Write a book about your previous life
171. Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
172. Relive fond memories
173. Make a pass at your blender
174. Stop
175. Speak with a forked tongue
176. Appreciate everything
177. Change it back
178. Write a letter to Plato
179. Wink
180. Print counterfeit Confederate money
181. Request covert assistance from the CIA
182. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge
183. Howl
184. Do a good job
185. Make a deal with the devil…but keep your fingers crossed
186. Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
187. Pour milk in the sink
188. Water your dog…see if he grows
189. Take a picture
190. Carpet your ceiling
191. Paint a smile
192. Paint
193. Read a tomato
194. Raise professional certified racing turnips
195. Save your toenail clippings
196. Be immobile
197. Stack furniture
198. Write books about writing books
199. Water your family room
200. Hide
201. Clean and polish your belly button
202. Roll over
203. Find your half-life
204. Sharpen a carrot
205. Take apart all your major kitchen appliances…mix and match them
206. Walk on water…but don’t get caught
207. Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
208. Drink as much prune juice as you can
209. Send your goldfish to obedience school
210. Plug in the cat
211. Boldly go where no man has gone before
212. Carry a tune…drop it, see if it breaks
213. Let him catch it
214. Grind your teeth
215. Try to ignite water…the Mississippi might work
216. Sing the ABC song backwards
217. Sleep in freefall
218. Weld your car doors shut
219. Wear a salad
220. Go bow hunting for Toyotas
221. Make paper from the skins
222. Create random equations
223. See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
224. Develop hearing problems
225. Form a political party
226. Give your cat a suntan…in the microwave
227. Drive the speed limit…in your garage
228. But don’t be orange
229. Embarrass yourself
230. Pinstripe your driveway
231. Pretend you’re a dog
232. Challenge your neighbor to a duel
233. Balance a pillow on your head
234. Check under chairs for chewing gum
235. Believe in Santa Claus
236. See how long you can sleep
237. Cross your toes
238. Make oatmeal in the bathtub
239. Watch a bowling ball
240. Call London for a cab
241. Stop speaking to yourself
242. Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
243. Climb the walls
244. Wallpaper your laundry room…with pages from books you don’t like
245. Invite the Mansons over for dinner
246. Think shallow thoughts
247. Make a list of all the sex scenes in Finding Nemo.
248. Crystallize
249. Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
250. Play air guitar
251. Be a monk…for a day
252. Park your car…with a friend
253. Spell
254. Decay
255. Spit shine your Nikes
256. Wear a sweatband to your wedding
257. Draw Venn diagrams…screw them up
258. Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. “Drink milk”)
259. Paint stripes on a lake
260. Think of quadruple entendres
261. Adopt strange mannerisms
262. Play tiddlywinks…go for blood
263. Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
264. Watch a car rust
265. Have a headache
266. Fold your earlobes
267. Design a better toilet seat
268. Grease the doorknobs
269. Eat everything
270. Test thin ice…with a pogo stick
271. State fallacies as fact (like, “peanuts grow on bushes”)
272. Punt
273. Throw marshmallows against the wall
274. Cut the deck
275. Put your feet behind your head
276. Memorize a series of random numbers
277. Bloat
278. Sit in a row
279. Knight yourself
280. Set up your Christmas tree in April
281. Memorize the periodic table
282. Peel grapes
283. Clock the velocity of your REMs
284. Have a political party
285. Tell your feet a joke
286. Be planar…but don’t tell your parents
287. Quiver
288. Play basketball…in a minefield
289. Sandpaper a mushroom
290. Re-establish the Roman Empire…in Pittsburgh
291. Shave a shrub
292. Play Kick the Fire Hydrant
293. Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
294. Tie bows in everything
295. Sharpen your sleeping skills
296. Flash your goldfish
297. Try to join Hell’s Angels by mail
298. Sleepwalk without sleeping
299. Ask why
300. Sit
301. Turn off your neighbor
302. Annoy total strangers
303. Send chills down your spine
304. Send President Reagan an alarm clock…wind it up first
305. Go to a cemetary and verbally abuse dead people
306. Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
307. Be a side effect
308. Sing a duet
309. Take the fifth
310. Hold your hand
311. Repeat
312. Dial 911 and breathe heavily
313. Have your car painted…plaid
314. Sing loud and sour and gravely
315. Translate Shakespeare into English
316. Stand on someone else’s head
317. Be Buddha
318. Watch a watch until it stops
319. Challenge yourself to a duel
320. Ride a bicycle…up Mt. McKinley
321. See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
322. Pretend you’re a telephone
323. Search for the Lost Chord
324. Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
325. Stare
326. Truncate
327. Blow bubbles
328. Donate your brother’s body to science
329. Make napalm
330. Sweat
331. Park your car…with a group of friends
332. Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
333. Correct typos that aren’t there
334. Sing soft and sweet and clear
335. Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize
336. Exercise a ghost
337. Go to a funeral…tell jokes
338. Count to a million…fast
339. Swear in Russian
340. Put your shoes on the opposite feet
341. Carve you and your girlfriend’s initials…in a marshmallow
342. Revert
343. Catch them with your radiator
344. Investigate the Czar
345. Abuse the plumbing
346. Exorcise a ghost
347. Play Pat Boone records backwards
348. Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
349. Listen to a painting
350. Rotate your carpet
351. Baby oil the floor
352. Balance a pencil on your nose
353. Spill
354. Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population…solve for x)
355. Loosen the lug nuts on your dad’s new car
356. Attack innocent bunnies
357. Moo
358. Lead an aerobics class…for patients of the I.C.U.
359. Stack crumbs
360. Begin
361. Kill a Joule
362. Hold your earlobes
363. Run for Pope
364. Use an eraser until it goes away
365. Write graffiti under the rug
366. Squish a loaf of bread
367. Climb a sidewalk
368. Debate politics with a fern
369. Radiate
370. Run around in squares
371. Disassemble your car
372. Memorize the dictionary
373. Do research into the cause of World War III
374. Shred a newspaper
375. Build a house with ice cubes
376. Pour milk in your shoes
377. Braid your dog’s hair
378. Interview a cloud
379. Intimidate a piece of chalk
380. Sing the national anthem…during your calculus final
381. Get run over by a train of thought
382. Take your sofa for a walk
383. Pay off the national debt…with a bad check
384. Put it together inside out
385. Go back to square one
386. Hit the deck
387. Don’t talk to things
388. Tattoo your dresser
389. Mummify
390. Rearrange political campaign signs
391. Scheme
392. Ask stupid questions
393. Crawl
394. Play dead
395. Visit the Architecture building…loudly criticize its design
396. Mug a stop sign
397. Be blue
398. Get a dog to chase your car
399. Hatch an egg
400. Contribute to the population problem
401. Throw a tomato into a fan
402. Sell firewood door to door…in Atlantis
403. Wear a lampshade on your head
404. Go for a walk in your attic
405. Flash your mailman
406. Pretend you’re blind
407. Race ferrets
408. Staple
409. Give yourself a hernia…for Christmas
410. Wonder
411. Watch a game show…take notes
412. Play to lose
413. Count your belly button
414. Be in the wrong place at the right time
415. Recite romantic poetry…to your toaster
416. Count the bags under Walter Mondale’s eyes
417. Starch your shoes
418. Play tag…on West 35th Street
419. Apply for a unicorn hunting license
420. See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light…try green
421. Have a proton fight
422. Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
423. Boil ice cream
424. Do aerobic exercises…in your head
425. Play with anything that looks interesting
426. Rewrite the Bible substituting your name for God
427. Tie your shoelaces together
428. Cause a power failure
429. Build a pyramid
430. Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn’t one before
431. Wash a tree
432. Confess to a crime…that didn’t happen
433. Make cottage cheese
434. Mail it to a friend
435. Vacuum your lawn
436. Get diagonal…with a good friend
437. Paint your windows
438. Bronze your sister- If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
439. Think lewd thoughts about yourself
440. Tie-dye your sheets
441. Declare war
442. Find a bug and chase it
443. Chew on a sofa cushion
444. Learn to speak Farsi
445. Find a witch
446. Speak in acronyms
447. Hot wax the bottom of your brother’s dress shoes
448. Play hockey with your little cousin…as the puck
449. Skydive to church
450. Exist…existentially, of course
451. Sharpen your teeth
452. Teach your pet rock to play dead
453. File your teeth
454. Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they’re wrong
455. Buy some diapers
456. Interview your feet
457. Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
458. Be a threat to the American way of life
459. Stay
460. Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling
461. Buy a 1931 Almanac
462. Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
463. Chew ice
464. Commit seppuku…with a paper knife
465. Ski Kansas
466. Preach the philosophy of Marx…Groucho, that is
467. Blow up a balloon until it pops
468. Surf Ohio
469. Buy a Ginsu knife
470. Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
471. Get your dog braces
472. Wax the ceiling
473. Play Houdini with one of your siblings
